Dismissive avoidant attachment is a term for when someone tries to avoid emotional connection, attachment, and closeness to other people.
A person with dismissive avoidant attachment usually doesn't pursue romantic relationships, and may actively avoid them. A dismissive attachment style is the opposite of an anxious attachment style.
This article discusses how dismissive avoidant attachment relates to attachment theory as well as the signs and causes of this attachment style. It also explores strategies that may help if you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style.
Attachment Theory
Attachment styles are based on attachment theory, which is an idea that breaks down the different ways that people connect with others into an assortment of attachment styles. It was invented by British psychologist John Bowlby, who believed that how we connect with others is based on our formative years in childhood.
Attachment theory is broken down into three distinct types of attachment:
- Secure: This attachment style is often considered the most functional for adult relationships. People who are securely attached to others are able to form close bonds and give their trust. They seek support from others, and share their feelings with them.
- Anxious: Those who have an anxious attachment style experience anxiety about their relationships with others. Anxious-attached people get very invested in their relationships, possibly to the point of codependence. This anxiety tends to worsen in stressful situations.
- Avoidant: People who have an avoidant attachment style try to not get close with others. They often avoid intimacy, and may have problems seeing themselves in a positive light, and seeing others that way.
From there, attachment theory can be broken down further into numerous substyles, such as anxious-insecure.
Dismissive avoidant attachment, which is commonly known as avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style, is an attachment model in which a person tries not to rely on others or have others rely on them.
Let's look at how else you can tell someone has this attachment style.
Characteristics of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
People who are dismissive-avoidant are generally very self-sufficient, says Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C. She tells Verywell that dismissive-avoidant behaviors can include "independence to an extreme, not asking for help, setting a lot of boundaries, withdrawing from their partner when getting too close."
Some of the signs of dismissive avoidant attachment include:
- Highly secretive: People who are dismissive-avoidant are often secretive and rigid, not allowing their own plans to be influenced by others and, often, not even disclosing those plans at all.
- Dismissive: When someone tries to get close to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, they may step back completely from the relationship or friendship. They may be seen as cold, distant, and closed off.
- Brief, casual relationships: In terms of relationships, those with dismissive-avoidant attachment are often more prone to short and shallow romantic partnerships, in which the connection is casual and is usually over quickly.
Short and casual relationships help the dismissive-avoidant person avoid any feelings of closeness toward others and don't offer others the opportunity to feel close to them.
What to Expect With Casual Dating
The Cause of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Because attachment theory is based on how we interacted with parents and caregivers in our youth, it makes sense that the causes of this attachment style can be traced back to young age.
Some factors that play a role in causing dismissive avoidant attachment include:
- Dismissive parenting: It's believed that dismissive-avoidant attachment occurs because a baby or small child doesn't get the attention or care they need from their parents or caregivers.
- Poor responsiveness: Because parents are dismissive, the infant or child learns that expressing their needs doesn't guarantee they will be taken care of.
- Unmet needs: When a child's needs aren't properly met by their caregivers, they may develop the sense that other people can't properly care for them.
While adult attachment styles are not always exactly the same as childhood attachment styles, research indicates that they are quite similar in many people.
Neglect, dismissiveness, and unmet needs can make someone, even a small child, feel like they have to be self-reliant to get what they need in life.
Impact of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Being independent, and teaching your children how to be independent, is important for survival. That said, though, having an avoidant-dismissive attachment style is not ideal for a person, and it may strongly impact both the avoider and those in their life.
If you or someone you know has an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, people's needs may go unmet.
You May Not Get Your Needs Met
For the avoider, Saxena tells Verywell Mind that being avoidant and dismissive can lead to not having your needs met. She says that "generally, as humans, we want to have a connection to others, and we all need to be taken care of at some point in life."
But because people with that attachment style have so much trouble reaching out to others, she says that dismissive avoidance "can make it hard to admit you need help and support, and [this can] leave you suffering in silence."
Your Loved Ones May Feel Neglected
Partners, friends, and family members of someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style also may not have their needs met in the relationship.
In regards to romantic relationships, Saxena says that a person "may feel neglected or disconnected from their partner often, which can feel really lonely in a relationship." She says that the avoider may feel safe in their behavior, which is how everyone wants to feel, but the person on the other side definitely may not.
In general, people feel safer when they feel connected to others. This isn't necessarily the case for someone with dismissive avoidant attachment; they might feel safer the more distance they create.
As you can imagine, creating distance between oneself and others can, in turn, make others feel less safe. This can create negative feelings about the relationship.
You Might Be Unable to Tolerate Conflict
People with a dismissive-avoidant style are not afraid of abandonment or the end of a relationship. When conflicts happen, a person with this attachment style often starts looking for the fastest way out of the relationship.
Cutting the relationship short prevents the individual from dealing with the distress of conflict and the fear that they will be rejected first. This strategy may prevent stress in the short term, but it makes it difficult to maintain lasting relationships and contributes to social isolation and loneliness in the long term.
How Bad Relationships Affect Your Health
How to Build a Healthier Attachment Style
If you have an avoidant dismissive attachment style, you might be perfectly happy in your independence. However, at some point, you may want a more serious romantic relationship, or you may want to have a deeper connection to your family members.
People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style can fall in love and have lasting romantic relationships. However, it requires being able to recognize your tendencies and take steps to develop healthier coping mechanisms.
When the desire to build stronger relationships comes to light, someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment might not know how to begin. Here's what you can do if you find that you want stronger connections with others.
Prioritize Honest Communication With Loved Ones
You can move forward in life without creating any changes, which is one option, of course.
In fact, Saxena says it's possible to have close relationships without changing yourself if this attachment style feels comfortable and good for you, but that it "requires a lot of work and communication to ensure expectations are being communicated and understood."
Challenge Your Habitual Responses
Once you recognize these tendencies in yourself, it is important to take steps to gradually challenge and change them. Instead of setting hard boundaries and saying no, make a conscious effort to say yes to things you might normally reject.
For example, if you normally refuse to show vulnerability, look for opportunities to share your feelings and thoughts with your partner instead of hiding them.
Utilize Mindfulness
The practice of mindfulness—or learning to focus more fully on the present moment—may also help you become more aware of your behaviors and emotions. When you find yourself being dismissive, rejecting, or avoidant, stop and think about how you are feeling at that moment.
Instead of trying to push the emotions away, work toward labeling and accepting that they exist. This may help you become better at tolerating feelings of distress and less likely to turn away from your partner.
Reach Out to a Therapist
Another, and possibly more long-term viable, option is to seek counseling. You can utilize a therapist who specializes in relationships or one who is knowledgeable about attachment theory. Or you can simply speak to any therapist you feel comfortable with because all should have a basic understanding of attachment theory.
Before beginning therapy, it's helpful to think through your goals and to be settled in the fact that change is often uncomfortable.
Using a model such as the six stages of behavioral change can help you understand that shifting your attachment style will be a slow progression, but that you will be able to experience results.
How to Find a Therapist
A Word From Verywell
If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, that doesn't mean you're flawed in any way. Rather, it means that your needs weren't met properly in childhood, which caused you to become very self-reliant.
Know that if you want to change your attachment style, you absolutely can, and deeper relationships and connections can be in your future.
Can You Change Your Personality?
FAQs
Signs of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment? ›
Dismissive-avoidant attachment is a kind of attachment style characterized by someone avoiding vulnerability, closeness, and intimate attachment to others. A dismissive-avoidant person may avoid relationships and crave independence.
What are the characteristics of dismissive avoidant attachment? ›Dismissive-avoidant attachment is a kind of attachment style characterized by someone avoiding vulnerability, closeness, and intimate attachment to others. A dismissive-avoidant person may avoid relationships and crave independence.
What does dismissive avoidant look like? ›Adults with an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are the opposite of those who are ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied. Instead of craving intimacy, they're so wary of closeness they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They'd rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them.
What are the toxic traits of dismissive avoidant? ›A dismissive-avoidant person cannot form supportive relationships. They are not comfortable providing support to friends or romantic partners and they feel less obligated to do so. Their view of those who seek support is that they are dependent, weak, emotionally unstable, and immature.
What's the worst attachment style? ›The most difficult type of insecure attachment is the disorganized attachment style. It is often seen in people who have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused in their childhood.
Do dismissive avoidants like kissing? ›After intimacy deepens, the avoidant partner loses interest in being sexual, in hugging, kissing, and perhaps even holding hands. Some avoidant partners will seem to actively limit physical proximity, such as sitting closely together on a couch where contact may be possible.
What dating a dismissive-avoidant is like? ›Dismissive-Avoidant: Those with dismissive-avoidant attachment ignore and minimize their intimacy needs, favoring independence above all. Dismissive avoidants tend to have a dating history characterized by short-lived, shallow relationships.
How do Avoidants act in love? ›Examples of Love Avoidant Behavior
Pushing other people away using single word responses, avoiding social outings, or being vague about their needs and intentions. Creating emotional walls rather than healthy boundaries in relationships. Using their energies on their interests and hobbies while isolating their partner.
The dismissive-avoidant attachment style itself is not inherently toxic, but it can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns. People with this attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and have a tendency to prioritize their independence over their relationships.
How do dismissive avoidants show affection? ›There are a few signs to know if an avoidant-dismissive person likes you. They will spend more time together with you though they may not reveal their emotions, or feel deeply. They may discourage you or move away when you share any negative emotions rather than inquire what they are really about.
What makes a dismissive avoidant happy? ›
Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are. They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.
What turns a dismissive avoidant off? ›A dismissive-avoidant will shut down when approached with inconsistent communication. Over time a Dismissive-avoidant will stop trying to bridge the gap in emotional connection and slowly give up on the relationship.
Are dismissive avoidants clingy? ›They're likely to display "clingy" behavior and strive for relational closeness to the point of merging. Dismissive-avoidant attachment is when someone grew up suppressing their natural instinct to seek out their caregivers for comfort.
Do dismissive avoidants have friends? ›For this reason, and the fact that they find emotional closeness difficult, avoidant adults may be more likely to have a lot of friends rather than a few close ones. Avoidant attachers are often the life and soul of the party due to their elevated confidence and high self-esteem.
Do dismissive avoidants have low self-esteem? ›What is this? Fearful avoidant individuals have low self-esteem and high levels of anxiety. They believe that they are not lovable. Dismissive avoidant individuals have high self-esteem and low levels of anxiety.
Which attachment style is most manipulative? ›Individuals high in anxious attachment are more likely to engage in emotional manipulation and other harmful behaviors intended to prevent a partner from leaving the relationship, which in turn is linked to reduced relationship satisfaction, according to new research published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences.
Which attachment style cheats the most? ›According to psychologists, people with avoidant attachment styles are individuals uncomfortable with intimacy and are therefore more likely to multiply sexual encounters and cheat.
Which attachment style is most promiscuous? ›Despite their negative affect regarding sexual encounters, people with anxious attachment have more intimate partners (as compared to the other groups) and are prone to being unfaithful to their lovers.
What are dismissive avoidants like in bed? ›They avoid intimacy and therefore tend to pull away from people who want to be intimate with them. Because the avoidant type finds intimacy uncomfortable, they may compartmentalize sex as something that is purely physical and attempt to avoid bringing intimacy into their sex life.
Who are Avoidants most attracted to? ›Love Avoidants recognize and are attracted to the Love Addict's strong fear of being left because Love Avoidants know that all they have to do to trigger their partner's fear is threaten to leave.
Do dismissive avoidants ever apologize? ›
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses.
Who should a dismissive avoidant be with? ›Fearful-Avoidant with Dismissive-Avoidant: Yellow light
That said, a fearful-avoidant individual and dismissive-avoidant individual can create a positive, hard-won connection when both are doing their inner work.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
They feel as though they do not need close, intimate relationships, preferring not to be dependent upon others, nor have others depend upon them.
Despite popular opinion, it's entirely possible to have a satisfying, fulfilling relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style. Although we stated earlier that attachment styles are stable, they are not a life sentence. Your avoidant partner can become more secure in their actions.
What is an avoidants biggest fear? ›Individuals with this disorder also find it difficult to trust or express their deepest feelings for fear of abandonment, rejection, or loss. Avoidant personalities often draw near to people they love or care about, and later pull away out of fear.
How do you tell if a dismissive avoidant likes you? ›- They are ready to become vulnerable.
- They love your nonverbal PDAs.
- They display nonverbal communication.
- They encourage you to get personal space.
- They make an effort to connect with you.
- They listen to you.
- They make the first move in a relationship.
- They want to get intimate.
If your fearful-avoidant partner doesn't reach out to you via texting or calling and you're sure they aren't stressed or triggered, they could be testing you. Fearful avoidants sometimes test their partners by withdrawing. They want to see if you'll try to win them back and fight for them.
Are all dismissive avoidants narcissists? ›Avoidants are not all narcissists but they do have an ability to detach emotionally from the relationship which triggers an “anxious” person's attachment anxiety.
Why you should never date an avoidant? ›Here is the problem: Someone who is love avoidant is by far, the worst type of person you could ever date and have a romantic relationship with. The primary reason being, that a person with love avoidance is the least likely to meet your relationship needs for intimacy, closeness, emotional availability, and security.
Do dismissive avoidants have a fear of abandonment? ›People with a dismissive-avoidant style are not afraid of abandonment or the end of a relationship. When conflicts happen, a person with this attachment style often starts looking for the fastest way out of the relationship.
Do dismissive avoidants like physical touch? ›
People with a so-called avoidant attachment style have reported in previous research that they like touch less and engage in it much less than the average. Thus, they were the perfect candidates to investigate people who could benefit from less touch.
How do you win a dismissive Avoidants heart? ›- Be patient. ...
- Create an atmosphere of safety. ...
- Respect cultural differences. ...
- Try to understand how they view 'needs' ...
- Avoid controlling their behaviors. ...
- If possible, offer alone time. ...
- Try not to interrupt their space.
Dismissive-avoidant triggers
“You wouldn't do or say that if you really loved me.” Someone who is dismissive-avoidant will easily feel smothered if their partner tries to chase them. If they feel controlled or like their partner is trying to change them in some way, they might pull away.
Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met. Perfectionism; nothing is good enough, the standard is set unrealistically high for themselves and often for others.
What is the core belief of dismissive avoidant? ›People with dismissive-avoidant attachment have a sense of their own self-worth but don't trust other people. This makes them dismissive of the value of intimacy, leading them to avoid close relationships.
Why do dismissive avoidants push people away? ›Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
They avoid being intimate and vulnerable and push away those who get too close. Dismissive-avoidants typically have few close friends; they do not want to depend on others, and they do not want to be depended upon. There is a lack of commitment due to being extremely self-reliant.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
Are dismissive avoidants hypersexual? ›This means they love you because those with avoidant attachments have a tendency to be hypersexual. If they leave you alone in their home or apartment, that's a big sign they care.
Are dismissive avoidants emotionally abusive? ›Dismissive-Avoidant Emotional Abuse
Adults who have an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are more likely to instigate such abuse. Instead of desiring intimacy, they are so afraid of closeness that they avoid emotional connection with others. They'd rather not rely on others or be reliant on others.
Avoidants don't necessarily lack empathy, though their behavior sometimes makes it seem like they do.
Do avoidants feel unworthy of love? ›
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is characterized by a negative view of self and a negative view of others. Those who fall into this category view themselves as unworthy and undeserving of love.
What is the dismissive avoidant personality? ›Characteristics of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Highly secretive: People who are dismissive-avoidant are often secretive and rigid, not allowing their own plans to be influenced by others and, often, not even disclosing those plans at all.
Trouble showing or feeling their emotions. Discomfort with physical closeness and touch. Accusing their partner of being too clingy or overly attached. Refusing help or emotional support from others.
What is typical avoidant attachment behavior? ›Avoidant attachment style is an insecure attachment style. Avoidantly attached people generally have a dismissive attitude towards close relationships*. They are often uncomfortable with intimacy and may seem emotionally distant. They may also have difficulty trusting others and may be hesitant to get too close.
How do dismissive avoidants show they care? ›Avoidants tend to not want to give anything or anybody their time or their energy. If it doesn't serve them any purpose, they won't do it. So if they are with you and they are giving you their time, that is a really good indication that they care about you and they are putting you as a priority.
Who are Avoidants attracted to? ›Love Avoidants recognize and are attracted to the Love Addict's strong fear of being left because Love Avoidants know that all they have to do to trigger their partner's fear is threaten to leave.
What dating a dismissive avoidant is like? ›Dismissive-Avoidant: Those with dismissive-avoidant attachment ignore and minimize their intimacy needs, favoring independence above all. Dismissive avoidants tend to have a dating history characterized by short-lived, shallow relationships.
How do avoidant attachments show love? ›Their avoidant attachment style means they usually go through life without sharing what they're thinking or experiencing inside. If your avoidant partner starts to share how they're feeling with you or open up about their deepest secrets, it's a sign they trust you and are getting attached to you.
What mental illness is associated with avoidant attachment? ›People with avoidant personality disorder have chronic feelings of inadequacy and are highly sensitive to being negatively judged by others. Though they would like to interact with others, they tend to avoid social interaction due to the intense fear of being rejected by others.
How do you tell an avoidant they are avoidant? ›Avoidant partners tend to talk more about independence rather than closeness, freedom rather than intimacy, and self-reliance rather than interdependence. They fear clingy people or being seen as clingy themselves. Avoidant or unavailable partners tend to believe they can only depend on themselves.
How do you spot an avoidant early? ›
Avoidants are unlikely to talk much about their inner selves, especially with a virtual stranger. Overall, they'll reveal little and, consciously or not, communicate that they really don't need a partner. Anxious people will tend to disclose too much too soon—well before the other person is ready for closeness.
How do dismissive avoidants express love? ›There are a few signs to know if an avoidant-dismissive person likes you. They will spend more time together with you though they may not reveal their emotions, or feel deeply. They may discourage you or move away when you share any negative emotions rather than inquire what they are really about.
What makes a dismissive-avoidant happy? ›Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are. They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.